Fix a Heart.

I promise that all of my post wont be so sad. I've just been going through a rough time. Well more than rough but. I really don't know what I can do anymore to just get things out there. This seems to be helping a tad; and at this point; I'll take whatever I can get.

I have to admit; it gets old feeling like shit and sad everyday. I never feel like leaving my room; because of the fear I have for the real world now. The only place I really feel safe is my room. Which completely sucks. I never wanna go to school anymore. I've cut my social life. My life is nothing but school and work, pretty soon just work. I am so unhappy. Its almost makes me sick thinking about it. I just want to be done. Nothing seems to be working anymore.

I'm not suicidal nor do I harm myself; it's all just a mental game to me. Some days I think its all in my head, some days I think its serious and some I just don't think at all. Its crazy horrible and stressful. I just learn to drown myself in music and writing lately to get everything out there.  Yet, its all to myself. Make sense yet? Probably not but that's okay. I'm the only one that needs to understand.

My friend has also got me back into reading, and its helped a little too. It seems to be my only escape from the world. I think what I need to escape my reality is to move away. Even if its only for a month. I need to not be so stressed and just get a fresh start. Maybe come back one day maybe not. It just depends on where life takes me. I would love to move away soon though. I feel in my heart it is the right thing to do.

I'm done complaining for the time being. I'm goona go read somewhere until my night class. Yup, songs good to me.

Boyfriend, School and such.

Okay, I've been up since 3 this morning and doing nothing but listening to Boyfriend by my boy JB. Its pretty much the best song of his career. pure 2 minutes and 52 seconds of heaven. Haha. Okay, I'm doing fangirling now, but I doubt that. 

Back today to school from my wonderful (feel the sarcasm?) spring break! -___- I really don't want to be here. only a few more weeks though. Then I'm taking the semester off to think about what I really want to do with my life. My family might be upset but I honestly don't care anymore. I need to what makes me happy and not worry about what other people think. So bring on the job hunting... 

This is a really short post just because I really have nothing to talk about lately. Nothing exciting has happened lately.. Just dealing with the usual life things and trying to get through it. So much to worry about; that I feel stressed out all the time and I never know what to do. and I'm always in a sad mood. but I guess that's life. 

Oh; and if you need anything to read Breathe by Abbi Glines is really good. My bestie Ashley got me reading her stuff. :)

Swagggiee! 

Late Night Thoughts..

Its hard for me to even think straight lately. Nothing in this world seems to make sense to me anymore. I can't begin to tell you how many tears I've shed tonight, just trying to feel better. I know its okay to cry and just let it all out; but to be honest; I don't think it helped completely.

It's currently four in the morning right now; and I do realize I have to go to work in a few hours. It's going to pretty much be the day from hell. That I can tell you already. A fourteen hour day plus a crabby and tired Lauren does not make for a fun day. Anyway, thanks not why I wanted to write this tonight. Shall I get to the real reason?

I'm finally coming to terms with the struggles I'm facing everyday.  I think that was the first thing I needed to do. Now comes the hard part. The steps to heal and finally be the normal girl and person I've wanted to be. I tend to make others happy before I make myself happy. I can't do that anymore. I need to make myself happy. Put me before the others. I think with the help of the two people I trust the most in this world; I'll be able to finally do that.

These two people know who they are. They're my best friends. The words thank you aren't enough for them. They sit and listen to me vent and complain and basically everything under the sun and they try to help me as best they can. Its hard for me to trust. Yes; there are a few things I don't talk about still to this day with them. Not because I don't trust them, but because it kills me and tears me up to talk about it.

To me, the second strongest bird is the hawk. I know this is going to sound stupid, and really stupid, but I feel like I'm letting someone, something or even myself down not  being that "strong bird" My last name is Hawkins, and that means more than just having my families name. I want it to mean that I am strong. I know right now I'm not. I just need the time to heal my heart, my head and my soul before I feel like I can have my wings to fly. Right now; I'm just the flightless hawk.

I love you!!

Hey Lauren, I love you! Love Ashley :)